Blurry Vision

Sometimes in life, it takes something big to happen to make you see things from a different perspective. 


In the past year, I have been through the most tumultuous time of my life.  It's been a little crazy to say the least.  Almost to the date a year ago, I left my husband of almost 7 years.  We had been together since I was 21 and he was 20. I am now 30.  Our relationship was rocky, and that's putting it lightly.  We had our ups and downs, but it seemed that there was little hope for many "ups" in our future.  We have a daughter...she is 6.  She's the reason I stayed as long as I did.  Perhaps not the best judgement was used there, but I just wanted to know that I tried everything I could before I had to turn her world upside down. 


Lately, I have been feeling like I may have made a mistake.  I know that the way he treated me was cold, callous, disrespectful, abusive and heartless.  No one deserves to be treated that way.  But I miss my family.  I miss the comfort of our home.  I am not naive enough to think that things would be different if I went back. However, I don't blame the women who constantly return to their marriage or relationship hoping that one day it will be back to the way it was before.  It's so easy to be in something familiar, instead of taking a risk with something new. 


When I left, I put a wall around my heart.  Decided no one was going to cross that barrier again for a while.  I was wrong.  Someone did cross that barrier, and I was stupid to let them.  I am glad that I let my guard down and tried to open my heart to someone else.  Eventually, I would like to be in a healthy, respecting, loving relationship that's not "work".  But this was not it.  Can't even call it a relationship.  But I had feelings...strong feelings, and they told me they felt the same.  Even told me things to make me believe we had a future together. Wow was I an idiot.  I can't believe that at 30 I made a mistake that I didn't even make in my teenage years.  But, you live, you learn and you get hurt.  That's life.  And just because this happened doesn't mean I will be shutting everyone out again or have a cold heart.  It's gonna take a lot for the next guy to have a place in it, but he will be worth it....whoever he is.


I know I am worth so much more than what I give myself credit for.  I have an amazing set of friends who I am thankful for every day.  And I have to say, I must be pretty great to deserve them...even though sometimes I feel like I don't.  I don't think I am perfect in any way, but why would anyone think they deserve less than what they give?  I give respect, loyalty, support, understanding...all I want is someone to give it back.  I don't want a perfect relationship.  I just want someone who can put up with my shit and I can put up with theirs.  Period.  Let's just see if he's out there.