Sometimes in life, it takes something big to happen to make you see things from a different perspective.
In the past year, I have been through the most tumultuous time of my life. It's been a little crazy to say the least. Almost to the date a year ago, I left my husband of almost 7 years. We had been together since I was 21 and he was 20. I am now 30. Our relationship was rocky, and that's putting it lightly. We had our ups and downs, but it seemed that there was little hope for many "ups" in our future. We have a daughter...she is 6. She's the reason I stayed as long as I did. Perhaps not the best judgement was used there, but I just wanted to know that I tried everything I could before I had to turn her world upside down.
Lately, I have been feeling like I may have made a mistake. I know that the way he treated me was cold, callous, disrespectful, abusive and heartless. No one deserves to be treated that way. But I miss my family. I miss the comfort of our home. I am not naive enough to think that things would be different if I went back. However, I don't blame the women who constantly return to their marriage or relationship hoping that one day it will be back to the way it was before. It's so easy to be in something familiar, instead of taking a risk with something new.
When I left, I put a wall around my heart. Decided no one was going to cross that barrier again for a while. I was wrong. Someone did cross that barrier, and I was stupid to let them. I am glad that I let my guard down and tried to open my heart to someone else. Eventually, I would like to be in a healthy, respecting, loving relationship that's not "work". But this was not it. Can't even call it a relationship. But I had feelings...strong feelings, and they told me they felt the same. Even told me things to make me believe we had a future together. Wow was I an idiot. I can't believe that at 30 I made a mistake that I didn't even make in my teenage years. But, you live, you learn and you get hurt. That's life. And just because this happened doesn't mean I will be shutting everyone out again or have a cold heart. It's gonna take a lot for the next guy to have a place in it, but he will be worth it....whoever he is.
I know I am worth so much more than what I give myself credit for. I have an amazing set of friends who I am thankful for every day. And I have to say, I must be pretty great to deserve them...even though sometimes I feel like I don't. I don't think I am perfect in any way, but why would anyone think they deserve less than what they give? I give respect, loyalty, support, understanding...all I want is someone to give it back. I don't want a perfect relationship. I just want someone who can put up with my shit and I can put up with theirs. Period. Let's just see if he's out there.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
The art of weaving
Everyone lies, right? Little white ones, big fat ones, you can't escape your whole life without a slip...for most people it's when their 6 years old, and really don't want a whole week without TV. Others, teenagers who snuck out and need to be able to go to the next football game. More seriously, someone hiding something from their spouse or partner.
The last time I lied about something, it wasn't anything important. Something that meant absolutely nothing, but in the eyes of the person I lied to, it grew to be something much more. If I could lie about that, then what else was I lying about? Then trust issues arise, and it's hard to recover from that in any relationship, whether it be parents, children, friends, or partners. I don't really know why I did it, I just did. Since then, I have made it a point to just own up to things. It doesn't matter how the other person reacts...the facts are the facts, and one day it will come out so you might as well go ahead and deal with it.
What I really don't get is someone that makes up things...lies that don't have any basis whatsoever. Just pure evil coming from a dark place...jealousy, anger, hurt, pride. Whatever the excuse, there is no excuse. Let someone love you for you...not based on what gossip you have, or what acheivements you've accomplished.
Have your lies ever caused someone heartache? I've been lied to countless times, and I don't think it ever gets any easier. It would've been so much better just to hear the truth from the get-go instead of finding out later, and realizing I didn't mean enough to this person for them to just give it to me straight. What's the worst that could happen? At least if you're honest in that moment, there's nothing to hold on to. No nervousness that one day they will find out...and maybe just maybe, it will make them realize that at least you did tell the truth, no matter how much it hurts.
I have always tried to live my life with honesty. Sure, I have my faults, but I have never told someone I loved them and not meant it. More over, I do not have the ability to love half-heartedly. This is the problem. I care about people so much, that I am too trusting, and don't want to believe that they could hurt me in that way. Common courtesy is not in some people's vocabulary, but I can't NOT display it. I am not perfect; I am messy, swear too much, am too opinionated, wear my heart on my sleeve, and take out my aggression where it isn't deserved sometimes. But I can honestly say that I feel pretty good about the relationships in my life. There really aren't any loose ends and everyone knows where I stand with them. So why is it so hard for some people to tell the truth?!
Like I said, I never claimed to be a saint. I'm sure that there will come a time in the future where I will lie to someone to spare their feelings...and I will feel bad about it. But, I know I am a good person at heart, and don't go around spreading lies and deceit wherever I go. I hope these people can sleep with a clear conscience, because I sure wouldn't be able to.
The last time I lied about something, it wasn't anything important. Something that meant absolutely nothing, but in the eyes of the person I lied to, it grew to be something much more. If I could lie about that, then what else was I lying about? Then trust issues arise, and it's hard to recover from that in any relationship, whether it be parents, children, friends, or partners. I don't really know why I did it, I just did. Since then, I have made it a point to just own up to things. It doesn't matter how the other person reacts...the facts are the facts, and one day it will come out so you might as well go ahead and deal with it.
What I really don't get is someone that makes up things...lies that don't have any basis whatsoever. Just pure evil coming from a dark place...jealousy, anger, hurt, pride. Whatever the excuse, there is no excuse. Let someone love you for you...not based on what gossip you have, or what acheivements you've accomplished.
Have your lies ever caused someone heartache? I've been lied to countless times, and I don't think it ever gets any easier. It would've been so much better just to hear the truth from the get-go instead of finding out later, and realizing I didn't mean enough to this person for them to just give it to me straight. What's the worst that could happen? At least if you're honest in that moment, there's nothing to hold on to. No nervousness that one day they will find out...and maybe just maybe, it will make them realize that at least you did tell the truth, no matter how much it hurts.
I have always tried to live my life with honesty. Sure, I have my faults, but I have never told someone I loved them and not meant it. More over, I do not have the ability to love half-heartedly. This is the problem. I care about people so much, that I am too trusting, and don't want to believe that they could hurt me in that way. Common courtesy is not in some people's vocabulary, but I can't NOT display it. I am not perfect; I am messy, swear too much, am too opinionated, wear my heart on my sleeve, and take out my aggression where it isn't deserved sometimes. But I can honestly say that I feel pretty good about the relationships in my life. There really aren't any loose ends and everyone knows where I stand with them. So why is it so hard for some people to tell the truth?!
Like I said, I never claimed to be a saint. I'm sure that there will come a time in the future where I will lie to someone to spare their feelings...and I will feel bad about it. But, I know I am a good person at heart, and don't go around spreading lies and deceit wherever I go. I hope these people can sleep with a clear conscience, because I sure wouldn't be able to.
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